Benny and Chopper gracing Ewood park back in May 2005. Happy days.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Friday, June 30, 2006
Chopper blow heightens club versus company row
Chopper returned from the consultant's 5-a-side tournament hobbling last night as his suspected metatarsal fracture threw oil on the club versus company row threatening to engulf football. Going over awkwardly during a routine challenge, chopper struggled on before being replaced several minutes later.
An ice-pack and several bottles of an American aniseptic called "Budweiser" saw him miss 2 games, but fight his way back to fitness for the later games. It is thought he came back too soon and was spotted hobbling around in London's West End first thing this morning.
Mojo manager Ben Goran-Erikkson is thought to be less than impressed that his stalwart defender had risked his long-term fitness for the sake of meaningless end of tournament games. Chopper was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the Mojo utility man said, "Chopper knows he could be facing a lengthy lay-off, and is just relieved that Mojo qualified for Europe so he can avoid the close-season rigours of the Intertoto Cup currently being suffered by clubs like Newcastle." The source added, "he feels he has let the manager down." Bennybobs, as he is affectionately known, was recently named as Godfather to Chopper's child and Chops had promised to curb his language and his wild tackles in a bid to set a good example. News that a two footed lunge - for which Chops escaped the wrath of the ref soley on the sympathy vote, is unlikely to go down well in the halls of Beckenham Palace.
Menawhile, other members of the Mojo squad enjoyed an evenign of 20-20 cricket at the Oval, while keeper Sleggchenko continues his scouting mission in Berlin with fellow Mojophiles Alan Shearer and Ray Stubbs. Reports that Shearer and fellow pundit Mark Lawrensen could be talked out of retirement are, however, wide of the mark.
CHECK OUT WORLD SOCCER AND MOJO UPDATES ON SLEGGCHENKO'S WEEKLY BLOG, "THE BEAUTIFUL GAME" on iTUNES each week - currently beating Baddiel& Skinner and official BBC releases in listening figures, this show is well on its way to being a worldwide phenomenon, attracting fans from all corners of the globe. Go Sleggy! Go MOJO! GO LAWRO!
An ice-pack and several bottles of an American aniseptic called "Budweiser" saw him miss 2 games, but fight his way back to fitness for the later games. It is thought he came back too soon and was spotted hobbling around in London's West End first thing this morning.
Mojo manager Ben Goran-Erikkson is thought to be less than impressed that his stalwart defender had risked his long-term fitness for the sake of meaningless end of tournament games. Chopper was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the Mojo utility man said, "Chopper knows he could be facing a lengthy lay-off, and is just relieved that Mojo qualified for Europe so he can avoid the close-season rigours of the Intertoto Cup currently being suffered by clubs like Newcastle." The source added, "he feels he has let the manager down." Bennybobs, as he is affectionately known, was recently named as Godfather to Chopper's child and Chops had promised to curb his language and his wild tackles in a bid to set a good example. News that a two footed lunge - for which Chops escaped the wrath of the ref soley on the sympathy vote, is unlikely to go down well in the halls of Beckenham Palace.
Menawhile, other members of the Mojo squad enjoyed an evenign of 20-20 cricket at the Oval, while keeper Sleggchenko continues his scouting mission in Berlin with fellow Mojophiles Alan Shearer and Ray Stubbs. Reports that Shearer and fellow pundit Mark Lawrensen could be talked out of retirement are, however, wide of the mark.
CHECK OUT WORLD SOCCER AND MOJO UPDATES ON SLEGGCHENKO'S WEEKLY BLOG, "THE BEAUTIFUL GAME" on iTUNES each week - currently beating Baddiel& Skinner and official BBC releases in listening figures, this show is well on its way to being a worldwide phenomenon, attracting fans from all corners of the globe. Go Sleggy! Go MOJO! GO LAWRO!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Chalkey in court!!!
Giving evidence, of course!
Yes, our own Keith Chalk was in thr courtroom last week, giving evidence to an incident in a curryhouse a few weeks earlier, where a local thug had 'smacked' a bald late night madras fan after being called 'fatty'.
Highlights include:
"So Chalkey, what time did you go out that evening?"
"About 8 o'clock"
"and what time did you get to the curry house?"
"About 10 o'clock"
"and how much had you had to drink by then?"
"well, I'd say about 8 pints of lager"
"8 pints of lager? Don't you think that's rather a lot"
(stifled snigger)
"Not really, no"
"no, you don't think that's a lot?"
"well, no, it was only weak lager, not stella or owt like that!"
"you appear to fuind this amusing?"
"well yes I do" (that 8 pints is 'a lot' - Chalkey had by his own admission had a 'quiet one')
"Before you came into court today Chalkey, you were sat in a small waiting room - did you notice anyone else in there?"
"yes, a blonde girl and someone else"
"that someone else was a bald gentleman, the gentleman you say was punched that night"
"well, I only noticed the blonde girl, you're not going to notice a small bald bloke after that, are you?"
"The bald man claims to know you - I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"I put it to you I did not"
"I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"and I put it to you I did not"
"I also put it you you that the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"I'm telling you, he PUNCHED him, then LEFT"
"Thank you very much Chalkey"
The transcript doesn't really do justice to the comedy of Chlakey himself telling this story, but you can hopefully imagine the rest! WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND!!
Yes, our own Keith Chalk was in thr courtroom last week, giving evidence to an incident in a curryhouse a few weeks earlier, where a local thug had 'smacked' a bald late night madras fan after being called 'fatty'.
Highlights include:
"So Chalkey, what time did you go out that evening?"
"About 8 o'clock"
"and what time did you get to the curry house?"
"About 10 o'clock"
"and how much had you had to drink by then?"
"well, I'd say about 8 pints of lager"
"8 pints of lager? Don't you think that's rather a lot"
(stifled snigger)
"Not really, no"
"no, you don't think that's a lot?"
"well, no, it was only weak lager, not stella or owt like that!"
"you appear to fuind this amusing?"
"well yes I do" (that 8 pints is 'a lot' - Chalkey had by his own admission had a 'quiet one')
"Before you came into court today Chalkey, you were sat in a small waiting room - did you notice anyone else in there?"
"yes, a blonde girl and someone else"
"that someone else was a bald gentleman, the gentleman you say was punched that night"
"well, I only noticed the blonde girl, you're not going to notice a small bald bloke after that, are you?"
"The bald man claims to know you - I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"I put it to you I did not"
"I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"and I put it to you I did not"
"I also put it you you that the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"I'm telling you, he PUNCHED him, then LEFT"
"Thank you very much Chalkey"
The transcript doesn't really do justice to the comedy of Chlakey himself telling this story, but you can hopefully imagine the rest! WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND!!
Monday, May 15, 2006
"Where have all the real men gone?"
...as Bonnie Tyler famously sang.
I was just having lunch in our office kitchen when some guy comes in and so, to break the silence, I asked, 'did you see the cup final?', hoping for someone else with whom I could enthuse about Gerrard's 'goal of the century' - I wish I hadn't bothered:
'Was it this weekend' he asked. Before I knew which way to spit, he was off, ranting about people with their England flags on their cars, about media sensationalism, and how he hoped England went out in the first round of the world cup so that the furore would die down.
My mind went back to the 'England' sticker I'd stuck in the back of the dream machine last night, as I wondered how our fine country could ever have produced a geek like this. Come on Wayne Rooney, Uri Gellar and David Beckham. Come on Theo Walcott, Sven Goran Erikkson and Ulrika Johnson. Come on the Sun. Come on Mojo. Come on England.
I was just having lunch in our office kitchen when some guy comes in and so, to break the silence, I asked, 'did you see the cup final?', hoping for someone else with whom I could enthuse about Gerrard's 'goal of the century' - I wish I hadn't bothered:
'Was it this weekend' he asked. Before I knew which way to spit, he was off, ranting about people with their England flags on their cars, about media sensationalism, and how he hoped England went out in the first round of the world cup so that the furore would die down.
My mind went back to the 'England' sticker I'd stuck in the back of the dream machine last night, as I wondered how our fine country could ever have produced a geek like this. Come on Wayne Rooney, Uri Gellar and David Beckham. Come on Theo Walcott, Sven Goran Erikkson and Ulrika Johnson. Come on the Sun. Come on Mojo. Come on England.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Pie in the Sky!! - That's right, we're feeling BLUE!
A draw and a tasty win saw Mojo clamber back into contention as the race to top the Wandsworth Spring Premier league really hots up.
However, the three points came at a cost, with Mojo losing injury-plagued keeper Sleggchenko to suspected broken fingers following a match-winning save. "They're blue and the size of a balloon", we can exclusively reveal. Well doctor, take away the pain but leave the swelling!
Crucially, this may now mean that the Mojo stopper misses out on a chance to "Pie" his way around Germany during the forthcoming World Cup tour, and may now have to resort to tucking in to the local "SauerKrauts" using nothing but his mouth. We have asked Uri Geller to concentrate on the picture below, and impore all Mojo fans to stick the poster in their windows, in the hope that Sleggchenko's 'fists of fury' will heal in time to enable him to slide in his famous tackle before the World Cup final itself.
Davie Carragher stood in between the sticks and held on for the win with yet another impromptu performance for the Blues.
The team pulled out all the stops, as again player-manager Ben-Goran Erikkson sat in his injury-enforced lay-off on the touchline, in a week which saw Mojo attract a record crowd for their early evening kick offs. Fan Karenie Slade, 17, of Coventry, said, "Well done boys - come on Mojo!".
Sleggchenko with sore fingers:
A Smurf:
Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Agnst Points Diff
1st GORKI'S FC 6 3 3 0 13 8 12 + 5
2nd OPODO UTD 6 3 2 1 12 8 11 + 4
3rd SPARTAK MOJO 6 2 2 2 11 14 8 - 3
4th DYNAMO COMPTON 6 2 1 3 12 12 7 ---
5th TOURNAMENT FC 6 0 5 1 8 9 5 - 1
6th REAL SOCIOPATH 6 0 3 3 11 16 3 - 5
However, the three points came at a cost, with Mojo losing injury-plagued keeper Sleggchenko to suspected broken fingers following a match-winning save. "They're blue and the size of a balloon", we can exclusively reveal. Well doctor, take away the pain but leave the swelling!
Crucially, this may now mean that the Mojo stopper misses out on a chance to "Pie" his way around Germany during the forthcoming World Cup tour, and may now have to resort to tucking in to the local "SauerKrauts" using nothing but his mouth. We have asked Uri Geller to concentrate on the picture below, and impore all Mojo fans to stick the poster in their windows, in the hope that Sleggchenko's 'fists of fury' will heal in time to enable him to slide in his famous tackle before the World Cup final itself.
Davie Carragher stood in between the sticks and held on for the win with yet another impromptu performance for the Blues.
The team pulled out all the stops, as again player-manager Ben-Goran Erikkson sat in his injury-enforced lay-off on the touchline, in a week which saw Mojo attract a record crowd for their early evening kick offs. Fan Karenie Slade, 17, of Coventry, said, "Well done boys - come on Mojo!".
Sleggchenko with sore fingers:
A Smurf:
Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Agnst Points Diff
1st GORKI'S FC 6 3 3 0 13 8 12 + 5
2nd OPODO UTD 6 3 2 1 12 8 11 + 4
3rd SPARTAK MOJO 6 2 2 2 11 14 8 - 3
4th DYNAMO COMPTON 6 2 1 3 12 12 7 ---
5th TOURNAMENT FC 6 0 5 1 8 9 5 - 1
6th REAL SOCIOPATH 6 0 3 3 11 16 3 - 5
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Chris Slegg - an apology
In our last blog, we claimed that Mojo keeper Sleggchenko, having nipped back in there with Kate, said "I made him watch". Although published in good faith, we now acknowledge that Mr Slegg did NOT make this quote and unreservedly apologise for any offence caused.
Wake me up before you Mojo!
Sadly, I'm too busy to write a comedy blog this week. However, the highlights of Mojo's week are as below:
- Dave has finally turned 30 - happy birthday mate! I'm sure countless bets have just expired and you owe a small fortune in weight/marriage related gambing
- Sleggchenko has nipped back in there with Kate - Slegg was alleged NOT to have said "I made him watch" - sparking fears of a dressing room revolt
- Mojo squad in three night drinking binge in build up to game - Bennybobs' ankle is a big doubt going into the World Cup - will he be fit in time?
- Malcolm Glazer has suffered an unfortunate heart attack, quelling fears of a Mojo takeover
- Luiz-Ben-Scolari has been linked with the England job, causing anxiety to Mojo fans everywhere
- Mojo notched up their first win this week following a dramatic last minute winner, with a draw against Tournament FC giving a creditible 4 points to our heroes, lifting them off the foot of the table
- Special mention from manager Readdy to Stu, who had a stonking game
- Bank Holiday next week gives chance of mid-season break.
1st GORKI'S FC 4 3 1 0 10 5 10 + 5
2nd OPODO UTD 4 2 1 1 8 5 7 + 3
3rd DYNAMO COMPTON 4 2 1 1 10 8 7 + 2
4th SPARTAK MOJO 4 1 1 2 7 11 4 - 4
5th TOURNAMENT FC 4 0 3 1 5 6 3 - 1
6th REAL SOCIOPATH 4 0 1 3 7 12 1 - 5
COME ON MOJO!!!
- Dave has finally turned 30 - happy birthday mate! I'm sure countless bets have just expired and you owe a small fortune in weight/marriage related gambing
- Sleggchenko has nipped back in there with Kate - Slegg was alleged NOT to have said "I made him watch" - sparking fears of a dressing room revolt
- Mojo squad in three night drinking binge in build up to game - Bennybobs' ankle is a big doubt going into the World Cup - will he be fit in time?
- Malcolm Glazer has suffered an unfortunate heart attack, quelling fears of a Mojo takeover
- Luiz-Ben-Scolari has been linked with the England job, causing anxiety to Mojo fans everywhere
- Mojo notched up their first win this week following a dramatic last minute winner, with a draw against Tournament FC giving a creditible 4 points to our heroes, lifting them off the foot of the table
- Special mention from manager Readdy to Stu, who had a stonking game
- Bank Holiday next week gives chance of mid-season break.
1st GORKI'S FC 4 3 1 0 10 5 10 + 5
2nd OPODO UTD 4 2 1 1 8 5 7 + 3
3rd DYNAMO COMPTON 4 2 1 1 10 8 7 + 2
4th SPARTAK MOJO 4 1 1 2 7 11 4 - 4
5th TOURNAMENT FC 4 0 3 1 5 6 3 - 1
6th REAL SOCIOPATH 4 0 1 3 7 12 1 - 5
COME ON MOJO!!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Mojo Robbed in Howler!...and Chops does a Robbie Fowler...
Spartak Mojo stuttered in their first evening of the new season in the Wandsworth 5-a-side last night. The evening began shrouded in controversy, as the plot thickened around keeper Sleggchenko's involvement in a shady gambling ring involving the ellusive 'Kate', introduced to him by scouse star Davie Carragher. Player-coach Ben Goran-Erikkson was overheard bemoaning the situation before the match, "Davie should be the one putting his arm around Sleggchenko, not introducing him to these sort of people." Compounding his misery, striker Erikkson was forced to leave himself out of the team, having picked up ligament damage after last week's disappointing league finale. He will be sidelined for 2-3 weeks, fortuitously coinciding with Mojo's mid-season break to the grim wastelands of the north.
Slegg and the £60 bill - what it all means...
We can now exclusively reveal that Sleggchenko, 28, spazzed £60 up the wall on 2 gin and tonics for himself and 'Kate' last weekend. However, their initial friendship has blossomed into a bizarre gambling tryst following success in last weekend's Grand National at Aintree. We will be reporting developments over the coming weeks.
Temper
Clearly the heat from the dressing room had affected Davie, as he lost his cool straight from the off in Mojo's grudge match against league champions Opodo. Davie spent 5 minutes in the sin bin for foul and abusive language. By the time he returned, Mojo were 3 goals down and Opodo were running riot. Chopper McKscoigne came off the bench and made an immediate impact, having a fine left foot volley disallowed for foul throw. However, Mojo capitulated and shipped 5 in total. Sleggchenko did well to keep out several bliastering shots, but several parries cost him dear. Striker Chris van-Evans-Roy returned from injury and showed signs of forging a good partnership with "Super Stuart" Ba-ti-squil-ta. However, their movement was quelled by a rampant Opodo team who welcomed back their star players and were out to avenge their scare from last week.
Mojo grabbed a consolation as McKscoigne, celebrating his 28th birthday, fired a low right-foot drive across the keeper after a fine through ball from Andy-inho at the back. Andy-inho was himself lucky to remain on the pitch after a crunching tackle from a sin-binned Opodo star resulted in yet more handbags from the blood-and-guts stopper.
Gorkis? Porkys more like
Next up was Gorkis. An abject Mojo showing resulted in a narrow 1-0 loss as the poor form continued into the winter break. Striker Ba-ti-squil-ta hit the bar with a rasping drive, but it was a ultimately a night of frustration for the boys, forced yet again to play in their Green away kit.
Dubai
Ben-Goran Erikkson commented that perhaps the masters players from Dubai had followed Mojo back from their pre-season training, as the Waddle-like display was affirmed by the general lack of fitness from a heavily perspiring squad. Andy-inho and Chopper were gulping back water at the final whistle, while Sleggcheno had to be substituted with several minutes to go: makeshift 'keeper Davie Carragher manfully stood in goal and produced a string of world-class stops to keep Mojo in the game.
Ownership
Rumours continued this morning regarding the ownership of Mojo as majority shareholder scouse Chamberlain was known to be jetting off for talks during the winter break with American tycoon Malcolm Glazier, who was spotted eating prawn sandwiches pitchside towards the end of the last campaign.
However, none of this is consolation to Mojo fans, who this morning are looking at their team propping up the Wandsworth Monday Premier League.
Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Agnst Points Diff
1st OPODO UTD 2 2 0 0 6 1 6 + 5
2nd GORKI'S FC 2 2 0 0 5 2 6 + 3
3rd DYNAMO COMPTON 2 1 1 0 5 3 4 + 2
4th TOURNAMENT FC 2 0 1 1 2 3 1 - 1
5th REAL SOCIOPATH 2 0 0 2 3 7 0 - 4
6th SPARTAK MOJO 2 0 0 2 1 6 0 - 5
Slegg and the £60 bill - what it all means...
We can now exclusively reveal that Sleggchenko, 28, spazzed £60 up the wall on 2 gin and tonics for himself and 'Kate' last weekend. However, their initial friendship has blossomed into a bizarre gambling tryst following success in last weekend's Grand National at Aintree. We will be reporting developments over the coming weeks.
Temper
Clearly the heat from the dressing room had affected Davie, as he lost his cool straight from the off in Mojo's grudge match against league champions Opodo. Davie spent 5 minutes in the sin bin for foul and abusive language. By the time he returned, Mojo were 3 goals down and Opodo were running riot. Chopper McKscoigne came off the bench and made an immediate impact, having a fine left foot volley disallowed for foul throw. However, Mojo capitulated and shipped 5 in total. Sleggchenko did well to keep out several bliastering shots, but several parries cost him dear. Striker Chris van-Evans-Roy returned from injury and showed signs of forging a good partnership with "Super Stuart" Ba-ti-squil-ta. However, their movement was quelled by a rampant Opodo team who welcomed back their star players and were out to avenge their scare from last week.
Mojo grabbed a consolation as McKscoigne, celebrating his 28th birthday, fired a low right-foot drive across the keeper after a fine through ball from Andy-inho at the back. Andy-inho was himself lucky to remain on the pitch after a crunching tackle from a sin-binned Opodo star resulted in yet more handbags from the blood-and-guts stopper.
Gorkis? Porkys more like
Next up was Gorkis. An abject Mojo showing resulted in a narrow 1-0 loss as the poor form continued into the winter break. Striker Ba-ti-squil-ta hit the bar with a rasping drive, but it was a ultimately a night of frustration for the boys, forced yet again to play in their Green away kit.
Dubai
Ben-Goran Erikkson commented that perhaps the masters players from Dubai had followed Mojo back from their pre-season training, as the Waddle-like display was affirmed by the general lack of fitness from a heavily perspiring squad. Andy-inho and Chopper were gulping back water at the final whistle, while Sleggcheno had to be substituted with several minutes to go: makeshift 'keeper Davie Carragher manfully stood in goal and produced a string of world-class stops to keep Mojo in the game.
Ownership
Rumours continued this morning regarding the ownership of Mojo as majority shareholder scouse Chamberlain was known to be jetting off for talks during the winter break with American tycoon Malcolm Glazier, who was spotted eating prawn sandwiches pitchside towards the end of the last campaign.
However, none of this is consolation to Mojo fans, who this morning are looking at their team propping up the Wandsworth Monday Premier League.
Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Agnst Points Diff
1st OPODO UTD 2 2 0 0 6 1 6 + 5
2nd GORKI'S FC 2 2 0 0 5 2 6 + 3
3rd DYNAMO COMPTON 2 1 1 0 5 3 4 + 2
4th TOURNAMENT FC 2 0 1 1 2 3 1 - 1
5th REAL SOCIOPATH 2 0 0 2 3 7 0 - 4
6th SPARTAK MOJO 2 0 0 2 1 6 0 - 5
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