Chalkey in court!!!

Giving evidence, of course!

Yes, our own Keith Chalk was in thr courtroom last week, giving evidence to an incident in a curryhouse a few weeks earlier, where a local thug had 'smacked' a bald late night madras fan after being called 'fatty'.
Highlights include:
"So Chalkey, what time did you go out that evening?"
"About 8 o'clock"
"and what time did you get to the curry house?"
"About 10 o'clock"
"and how much had you had to drink by then?"
"well, I'd say about 8 pints of lager"
"8 pints of lager? Don't you think that's rather a lot"
(stifled snigger)
"Not really, no"
"no, you don't think that's a lot?"
"well, no, it was only weak lager, not stella or owt like that!"
"you appear to fuind this amusing?"
"well yes I do" (that 8 pints is 'a lot' - Chalkey had by his own admission had a 'quiet one')
"Before you came into court today Chalkey, you were sat in a small waiting room - did you notice anyone else in there?"
"yes, a blonde girl and someone else"
"that someone else was a bald gentleman, the gentleman you say was punched that night"
"well, I only noticed the blonde girl, you're not going to notice a small bald bloke after that, are you?"
"The bald man claims to know you - I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"I put it to you I did not"
"I put it to you that you knew the victim"
"and I put it to you I did not"
"I also put it you you that the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"He punched him, then left"
"the defendant only slapped the bald man on his head"
"I'm telling you, he PUNCHED him, then LEFT"
"Thank you very much Chalkey"

The transcript doesn't really do justice to the comedy of Chlakey himself telling this story, but you can hopefully imagine the rest! WHAT A FUCKING LEGEND!!

"Where have all the real men gone?"

...as Bonnie Tyler famously sang.

I was just having lunch in our office kitchen when some guy comes in and so, to break the silence, I asked, 'did you see the cup final?', hoping for someone else with whom I could enthuse about Gerrard's 'goal of the century' - I wish I hadn't bothered:

'Was it this weekend' he asked. Before I knew which way to spit, he was off, ranting about people with their England flags on their cars, about media sensationalism, and how he hoped England went out in the first round of the world cup so that the furore would die down.

My mind went back to the 'England' sticker I'd stuck in the back of the dream machine last night, as I wondered how our fine country could ever have produced a geek like this. Come on Wayne Rooney, Uri Gellar and David Beckham. Come on Theo Walcott, Sven Goran Erikkson and Ulrika Johnson. Come on the Sun. Come on Mojo. Come on England.

Pie in the Sky!! - That's right, we're feeling BLUE!

A draw and a tasty win saw Mojo clamber back into contention as the race to top the Wandsworth Spring Premier league really hots up.

However, the three points came at a cost, with Mojo losing injury-plagued keeper Sleggchenko to suspected broken fingers following a match-winning save. "They're blue and the size of a balloon", we can exclusively reveal. Well doctor, take away the pain but leave the swelling!

Crucially, this may now mean that the Mojo stopper misses out on a chance to "Pie" his way around Germany during the forthcoming World Cup tour, and may now have to resort to tucking in to the local "SauerKrauts" using nothing but his mouth. We have asked Uri Geller to concentrate on the picture below, and impore all Mojo fans to stick the poster in their windows, in the hope that Sleggchenko's 'fists of fury' will heal in time to enable him to slide in his famous tackle before the World Cup final itself.

Davie Carragher stood in between the sticks and held on for the win with yet another impromptu performance for the Blues.

The team pulled out all the stops, as again player-manager Ben-Goran Erikkson sat in his injury-enforced lay-off on the touchline, in a week which saw Mojo attract a record crowd for their early evening kick offs. Fan Karenie Slade, 17, of Coventry, said, "Well done boys - come on Mojo!".

Sleggchenko with sore fingers:




















A Smurf:










Pos Team Pld Won Drew Lost For Agnst Points Diff
1st GORKI'S FC 6 3 3 0 13 8 12 + 5
2nd OPODO UTD 6 3 2 1 12 8 11 + 4
3rd SPARTAK MOJO 6 2 2 2 11 14 8 - 3
4th DYNAMO COMPTON 6 2 1 3 12 12 7 ---
5th TOURNAMENT FC 6 0 5 1 8 9 5 - 1
6th REAL SOCIOPATH 6 0 3 3 11 16 3 - 5